


How to feel loss

by Heloflor



Category: 18th Century CE RPF, American Revolution RPF
Genre: F/M, Infidelity, M/M, Minor Character Death, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-18 22:22:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22100761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heloflor/pseuds/Heloflor
Summary: As Washington's small group of aides-de-camp are preparing for Yorktown, Laurens gets news from the life he left behind.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler (background), Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Kudos: 48





	How to feel loss

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if some dating is wrong or not fitting. Also, I have no idea how to write dialogues while imitating the way these people talked so the language here will be a more modern one.

The sky was bright that day as the aides-de-camp were busying themselves in the Headquarters, preparing for the battle of Yorktown. Alexander was quickly scribbling, trying not to let his impatience take over. His Excellency recently took him back in the army after finally promising the redhead that he would get a command as soon as needed. But despite being given the General's word, Alexander still had doubts. _The battle is only days away_ , he tried to rationalize, _I barely have to wait before my time finally comes !_ _But if the general lied and forces me to stay stuck longer, at least..._ Trying to look on the good side of his situation, Alexander glanced at the blonde man working next to him and tried to hide his smile. After more than two years away from camp due to missions and unfortunate circumstances, his lover was finally back, ready to fight by his side again. And although their reunion was bitter, his Jack having a hard time understanding and accepting how Alexander could get married out of love and still hold feelings for him, the duo was at last starting to fall back into familiar ground.

As the redhead was debating weither or not he should nudge John's foot, the tent opened, revealing Tilghman with a stack of letters.

“We got a stack of personnal letters !”, he announced. All the aides immediately forgot their current work, hoping to have news from their loved ones. He started calling family names, giving each member of the Family their respective letters.

“One from a certain Ms.Hamilton.”, he said after a while with a smirk. Alexander quickly reached for it and sat back down, trying to ignore the frown from the man on his left. As he opened his wife's letter, he tried to block all outside noises, focusing only on the paper in his hands. The letter was filled with love and affection and words of encouragement for the upcoming battle combined with worry for his life, all of which made Alexander's heart flutter. He wanted to write a thousand replies, telling her how much love he felt for her, how happy she made him and how much he wished she could be there in person to see him in the fire of action.

His dreamy thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the noise of a chair falling nearby followed by hands slamming on the table. Turning, Alexander saw John standing, looking down at the paper between his hands.

“Laurens ?”, one of the aides called.

The blonde stayed still and silent. For a moment, Alexander thought of trying to shake him back to reality but, before he could move, John quickly left the tent, his body disappearing behind the opening.

“...Huh.”

“Should we...do something ?”

While the others debated weither or not they should try to face the aide's explosive temper, Alexander's mind kept going between his wife's letter and his distressed lover.

_...Darn it all !_ , he finally thought, leaving the tent to go after John. After some running around and asling a few soldiers, he finally found the man away from camp, sitting on the grass and looking at the sky.

“John ?”, the smaller man tried.

“She's dead.”

“I...um, what ?”, out of all the things the blonde could have said, Alexander didn't expect such a response.

“Martha. My...my wife. She passed away.”

“...Oh.”, truth be told, the redhead had completely forgotten that John was married, given how little the blonde seemed to care about it and how he never wore his ring despite having it among his personal belongings. This left Alexander hesitant. He wanted to say something, _anything_ , to make his lover feel better, but John's marriage was something they only talked about once, and it was one of their biggest fights. This left the smaller man with no idea on how to handle such a subject, which frustrated him.

“I'm a horrible person, aren't I ?”, his thoughts were interrupted by John's faltering's voice.

“What do you mean ?”, the redhead asked softly, trying to encourage him to keep going.

“Martha, the woman I _married_ , the one I promised to spend my life with, the mother of _my daughter_ is dead. And yet here I am, having no trouble with the thought of facing tomorrow, still ready to fight with all my might. How...How am I not devastated by this ? How can I not shed a single tear ?...Worse, why does it feels so freeing ? Why does it feels like I just ridded myself from a responsibility ?...Was our friendship so broken, so far away, that I cannot feel regretful ?”, the more he went on, the more shaky and quiet his voice became, until it barely became a whisper. “When...when did I stop seeing her as a person but as a duty ?”

“John...”

“I don't need your pity Alexander”, he suddenly spat, his back still on the smaller man, though Alexander didn't need to see his face to understand how he was feeling.

For a long moment, Silence fell between the two, John's eyes never leaving the sky while Alexander kept glancing at his wedding ring, starting to wonder if it wouldn't be best to just leave John alone and go back to his letter.

_What would it feel like to lose Betsey ?_ , the thought came completely unexpected in his mind and sent shivers down his spine. He couldn't see himself in a world without his Betsey, without her beautiful eyes, her sweet voice, all her love and affection. He knew that, should he lose her, he would cherish every memory, every instant they shared...

An idea suddenly popped in his brain.  _Maybe...maybe this is what he needs._ Making up his mind, he approached the taller boy, sitting next to him. The blonde didn't react, didn't try to leave or push him away, which almost made Alexander sigh in relief.

“John ?”, the redhead waited a minute, but as the taller man didn't respond, he decided to just get to the point. “Tell me about her.”, he asked.

“I...what ?”, John head snapped towards him, surprise and confusion written all over his face.

“Your wife. Tell me about her.”

“Alexander...”, John looked away, which prompted his lover to grab his hand.

“Come on, you never talk about her. And given you way of acting with other women, I cannot help but feel curious about what kind of person she was and how you acted towards her. Besides, would it not ease your mind to remember her one last time ?”

“...I suppose.”, John finally sighed.

And so for the next hour, they stayed sitting on the grass, Alexander listening as his lover recounted all the good times he spent with a friend, focusing on the bright side to try forgetting the fate they put themselves into. And as Alexander saw a smile starting to form on John's face as he was telling the first time he drew Martha to thank her, he knew that, if John couldn't grieve the wife he lost, remembering the friend he had would be enough.


End file.
